The Golfers (A dream I had last night)

Lynn, Lindsay and I went to play golf at Inverness (Toledo, not Scotland). Lindsay was, like she currently is, nine months pregnant.

They had never golfed before.

It was very busy there and we made our way through everyone and found a place to sit. A weird young caddy, who resembled Chucky from Rugrats, was helpful. I told Lynn that we might not get to play today and she was fine with waiting. I reminded her that the greens fees were $200 apiece and she still wanted to play. As I started to make my way toward the cashier, the weird caddy kid desperately stopped me and begged me to let him caddy for us. He then gave me 14 cents to give the staff cashier and said to tell him that it was all he had. I wasn’t sure what that was all about, but I said okay and took his dime and four pennies.

As I wound my way through the throng of people, there was a man standing in the middle of the sidewalk, blocking the way. He was dressed like a bodybuilder and was using the ballwasher as some sort of exercise machine. (He looked just like that ridiculous guy who was always at the YMCA gym in Virginia Beach that thought he was a big deal.) He was focused on his set and as I said excuse me to pass, he didn’t acknowledge me and moved only slightly but not nearly enough to get by. I asked again politely and got another similar result. I pushed past and he acted all offended. We had a short confrontation about it and then I continued towards the counter.

The staff was a group of bizarre characters. The one that looked liked Quentin Tarantino asked me which course I wanted to play. I told him three to play the South Course. (Like Heatherdowns which had a north and south course, unlike Inverness.) He said it wasn’t called that anymore, it was the Legendary Course now (I suppose this is related to Legend Oaks Golf Course, where we lived in Summerville) but he recommended the really green course and said that most people were playing that one. I asked if he was referring to the North Course and told him I had already played that course several times and wanted to play the south course. I added that I didn’t want to play a course that everyone else was playing and they should put us on the south course to keep things flowing. He looked exasperated and said that it was the Deluxe Course now, and it was better. I said fine and asked when the next available tee time was. He told me it was at nine. I paid the fees and then gave him the 14 cents for the caddy. As I was leaving, he said dinner was served at six. I replied to this odd statement that I wouldn’t be staying for dinner, but thanks. He looked confused and said that I would probably be hungry by then and should eat before our match. I looked at my receipt and saw that our tee time was at 9 PM. I angrily asked “What is the meaning of this?!” (like in some 1940’s movie). He said that was the next available tee time. I asked him to switch us to the other course like I had originally asked and he said I couldn’t switch since I already paid and that the reason he put me later was because the caddy I chose worked the night shift. I said that was ridiculous and that I wouldn’t be using him then and to switch me to the morning. He said their schedule was full now and he couldn’t refund the money - course policy - and I couldn’t switch caddies because I already paid his 14 cents. I went back to Lynn and Lindsay and told them. They were fine with 9 PM and we waited. Through the day they enjoyed buying stuff at the clubhouse. New shoes and attire and new golf bags. Again, they had never golfed before. Later after dinner, I woke them up as our tee time approached.

The girls were excited to play and, as we approached the first hole tee, the place was still bustling with activity and all lit up. The starter checked our receipt and then caught sight of Lindsay. He looked amused and asked if this was some kind of joke. I said no as if I didn’t understand what could be so amusing. Lindsay waddled up to the blue tees and could barely bend over to put her tee in the ground. People were starting to gather round the tee and were murmuring and snickering at us. Lindsay asked her caddy how close the out of bounds post was to the other side of the dogleg. Satisfied with his response, she took the Big Bertha driver he held out to her and then she walked up and- without a practice swing- drove a beautiful shot that hugged the dogleg and traveled about 350 yards. The ranger, who happened to be sitting there in his cart, laughed and quipped that she must be driving for two. Lynn was next. She grabbed a 3 wood and her caddy recommended a driver. She said “No, I like this one, it’s pink.” and proceeded to the tee. Her drive was just as spectacular and far. The place was abuzz with chatter and amazement now and everyone had gathered to watch. I was a bit nervous at this point - with everyone watching - and teed my ball. After a couple half-hearted practice swings, I swung -topped it - and it dribbled down the fairway, barely clearing the tees.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017 at 03:26